the truth about burnout.

i'm kind of a big fan of wordless wednesday. but this week, my wednesday is full of words. i usually keep things pretty light around here. and i've talked about burnout before. i guess sometimes it can be worse than others, or sometimes it feels like burnout but really you're just a little tired ... other times, it's full on burn out. like now.

i was sitting at dinner recently and as i looked over the menu, and looked around at what all the people at the restaurant were eating, i got really discouraged. and pissed. why can't i just order something on the menu without thinking about how many carbs are in that meal? am i going to bolus the right amount of insulin? am i going to eat too many pieces of bread and have really high blood sugar later? i just want to eat whatever i want without having to think and calculate in my head. i don't want to have to consider that i might have dessert. i don't want to pull out my meter and check my blood sugar in front of everyone (even if i am discreet and more than half the time no one even notices). i don't want to have to THINK about anything, i just want to enjoy my meal. and no, i don't let diabetes hold me back from eating what i want, but sometimes i just want to not think about the repercussions of what i put in my body (i mean aside from anyone else in the world, i'd like to just worry about calories and fat and such things). i just want to snack on some candy at work and not have to make sure i bolus. i want to have a smoothie or an icee. or a milkshake. or maybe, a regular soda. i haven't had one of those for pure enjoyment in over 11 years. regular soda is for treating lows.

i absolutely loved wearing the dexcom when i was on vacation, it made me feel like i had better control over diabetes. but sometimes, i don't want anything attached to my body. the pump ... it's always there. sure, i could go back to taking shots, but it's been so long i have no idea what i would do, not to mention that i have better control when i'm on the pump. the few weeks after i was diagnosed until i started the pump and the one time in 11 years that my pump malfunctioned are the only times i can remember taking shots. i would be lost. it's there. sure, i can detach for showers or swimming or whatever, but it can't stay off. it gets reconnected. and when it's unattached, it leaves behind a little friend. a little friend that causes people to ask 'what's that?' or 'why do you have that thing?' or 'does it hurt?' ... questions that i don't mind, i'm an advocate for educating yourself over being ignorant, but sometimes, i want to forget about the medical aspect of my life.

sometimes i get tired of having to figure out which finger i poked last. which has the least marks, which one isn't sore ... my fingers need a break. sometimes i just don't want to check my blood sugar at all. i don't want to have to bolus. i want to eat and move on. or exercise and not think about what's going to happen later.

my wallet needs a break. my brain needs a break. i just want to eat some junk food and not worry about what's going to happen to my blood sugar.

sometimes, diabetes just SUCKS. it's not like you are sick and you take some medicine, get better and you move on, it's 24/7. it's a full time job. on top of your real-life full time job. it NEVER goes away. you have to make sure you have your supplies. test strips, lancets, infusion sets, reservoirs, batteries - AAA and AA, glucose tablets or some kind of candy, snacks ... and if you don't have something or forget something then you have to go home, or get on the phone, or go to the store, or go to the doctor for samples ... it. never. ends.

as i am sitting here writing this borderline whiny post, i have thought of two things. my first thought was, this sounds like i need to watch some 'you can do this' videos. i realized, just from that thought, and all these thoughts of what a pain in the ass this disease is, that i know i can do this. i have gone through this before, and i'm not going to let diabetes win. i know it could be worse. i know i'll get my shit together and keep it under control ... and i have been doing that, even thought i've felt the burnout in a major way for about a week - maybe you've noticed my lack of blogging - my blood sugars are pretty decent ... i have been on this road before and i know i just have to turn in the right direction and just keep going.

my second thought was DAMN, since i was feeling the burnout and not caring, i TOTALLY forgot to celebrate my dia-versary for the SECOND year in a row. i used to have red velvet cake every year to celebrate ... last year, i forgot. my good friend allison showed up at my place with a red velvet cheesecake (AMAZING) from the cheesecake factory. she's a good kid. ;)  my diaversary (definition: anniversary of diabetes diagnosis) is june 26. it's been 11 years. wow. 11 years and not doing too shabby.

AND FINALLY (i know, i said two thoughts) ... i think i know what i want to do for my 'you can do this' video. and no, i'm not telling you. you'll have to stick around and see!

i've almost worked myself out of the burnout. just gimme some time. be kind. give me a break. i know i'm not alone.