'it makes me sad'

earlier on facebook, i wrote on my status that i think i've come to the conclusion that i can't eat panera. at most, i can probably eat it on a rare occasion, because they just always jack up my numbers for the day. i was steady this morning and before lunch, then i got a lovely 353 post-lunch. i had a friend comment that it makes her sad that i can't 'eat whatever in the world i want.' she said she takes for granted that she doesn't have any problems with diabetes, and i realized i was in her shoes before i was diagnosed. i never thought about what i ate, what it would do to my blood sugar, my body, anything. i was a worry-free teenager and didn't have to think about it for the first 17 and a half years of my life.

 my 'reward' from panera, a free sweet. sitting on my desk because that 353 means no cookie right now.

i explained to her that for the most part i can eat whatever i want - you all know the speech - but sometimes i have to make the 'grown up' decision to eliminate foods, or only have them on rare occasions, because i know how it is going to put me out of whack. it's not my favorite thing in the world to do, but i know i have to do it. it's for my health. and that pesky A1C that is always bugging PWD.

it made me think about how it makes her sad. sometimes, it makes me sad too. it makes me sad when my BG is not what i want it to be. it makes me sad when i miscalculate and feel dumb and have to face those high numbers. it makes me sad when my A1C is not what i had hoped it would be. it makes me sad when my BG is too high to have a random afternoon work snack of cookies that are left over from a meeting. it makes me sad when my high BG is making me moody and i take it out on other people and feel bad for it. it makes me sad when people don't understand why i'm not downing chocolate with them, or have to turn down cupcakes or sweets they are offering me. in all honesty, it makes me sad that so many people (including those that i can now call my friends, who i have met in the DOC) have to live with diabetes every day. damnit, why can't we just eat whatever the hell we want, without pricking our fingers, programing pumps, giving injections, getting shaky, getting headaches, having fuzzy vision, feeling sweaty, woozy, confused, annoyed, frustrated, and just plain TIRED?

it's just the hand we've been dealt. and the thing is, we can't dwell on the sadness. because if we did, we would all be depressed. sure, we might get down in the dumps about it every now and then, but we can't let that overwhelm us, because, well, it's not healthy.

sometimes we bitch and complain, but we also stay cheerful, we support each other, we joke around about food and BGs, and we don't dwell on the sadness. sometimes we have those occasions where we have to laugh, because if not, we'd cry ... and sometimes we make the food choices we do - because we have to.

but sometimes, damnit, we eat cookies. AND ICE CREAM. AND CAKE!